


Sunflower

by photographer_of_thoughts



Category: SKAM (Norway)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Future, Established Relationship, Fluff, M/M, Mental Health Issues, True Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-02
Updated: 2019-10-02
Packaged: 2020-11-10 17:30:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,479
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20855561
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/photographer_of_thoughts/pseuds/photographer_of_thoughts
Summary: Isak knew he loved Even. He knew they were okay, even when it didn’t feel like they were okay.He just needed a small reminder sometimes.





	Sunflower

**Author's Note:**

> Hi friends. Here's a small thing I wrote. Hope you enjoy. :)

He wondered if he’d ever reach a limit with Even. He wondered if one day he’d wake up and say to himself, _ I’m leaving. I’m done. We won’t work. I’m giving up. _

Isak had had many opportunities over the last ten years, many instances when another person might have said, _ this is too much. I’m mentally, physically, whole-heartedly exhausted and I’m leaving. _

Moments such as now - right now. When Even had come home manic, buzzing and talking too fast and deciding that tonight was the night he would rearrange their whole living room. It didn’t matter that Isak was babysitting Jonas’s son, an infant who he had just managed to get to sleep and was now wailing from the onslaught of noise - particularly the deafening music Even had begun to play. 

Isak could practically taste the stress that was washing over his whole body, drowning him. He balled his hands into fists as he stood in the doorway, watching his husband take some paintings off the wall, smash one of the framed pictures from their wedding while simultaneously singing along to old school Britney Spears. He apparently couldn’t hear the baby crying at the top of its lungs in the next room over.

Right now. This moment. Isak wanted to leave. He wanted to take Jonas’s baby downstairs, get him in his carseat and drive to a motel and file for divorce papers in the morning. Even could be someone else’s problem. He could ruin someone else’s evening with his obliviousness. 

This feeling wasn’t new. For a full fifteen minutes last month, Isak had stood motionless while Even shouted and whined for things at him from his studio. _ Isak, can you deal with the dog? I’m working. No, Isak, I can’t take the dog out to pee because I have to finish this. She’s your dog too! Isak, can I have a glass of water? I’m on a roll and don’t want to get up. Isak, my phone is ringing. Can you answer it? _

He could be so selfish. He was infuriating. He was so inconsiderate sometimes, like right now. Isak switched off the music on their stereo and walked up to Even, grabbing his shoulders; freezing his attempt to move the end table. 

“Listen.” Isak demanded. “Do you hear that?” 

Sammy screamed from his crib, his little lungs bursting. And now their beagle, Winifred, was barking too. She always did when she sensed stress and chaos. She would bark and then hide whenever there was an argument, a thunderstorm. Intense sex noises. 

“Oh.” Even said, seeming to come back to himself for a moment. “Sammy is here?” 

“_ Yes. _And now you woke him up, Even!” 

His husband’s face fell, guilt and a grimace replacing his happiness from a moment ago. He took in a deep breath and looked into Isak’s eyes - trying to find him, hoping Isak would help them find each other again. See past the rage and just _ be _here. 

“Sunflower.” 

_ Goddamnit, _ Isak thought. _ Fuck it all to hell. _

“I know you hate me right now, Issy. But, _ sunflower.” _

**

On a good day, many years ago, Even had asked something. His brain wasn’t riddled with excess energy, sleepless nights and the rotting guilt of forgetting his mom’s birthday. He had brushed his teeth, showered and was leaning on Isak’s chest on the couch in their first apartment together - a shoebox of a living space that Isak absolutely adored. Mostly because it was theirs. 

“When I’m spiralling...like, becoming completely unreachable and everything feels out of control...do you ever want to leave me?” He whispered, saying the words like he didn’t really want to hear the answer.

And to be fair, Isak didn’t really want to say the answer. Because the answer was yes. He’d thought about it as he’d been there through several of his boyfriend’s episodes, seeing the rise and devastating falls. He’d wondered what it would be like to love someone without mental health issues, someone who didn’t need meds to make their brain work properly. But every time he thought of it, he felt awful inside; the idea of never kissing or touching Even again was the worst thing imaginable. 

“Even, I…” 

“Just tell me. I won’t be mad.” 

“It’s only when I’m really, really stressed. When I feel lost, like I can’t help you. Like you’ll never come out of your episodes. I sometimes think to myself that I wish it was easier. That maybe it would be easier with someone else.” Isak said slowly, choosing his words carefully. 

“Okay. That’s what I thought.” Even nodded, shifting like he was going to sit up and walk out - just _ leave _and never come back. Before Isak could think it through, he grabbed Even’s arms and kept him where he was. 

“But, that’s _ not _what I want, Ev. You’re my whole fucking world, and just because I sometimes think those things doesn’t mean it’s what I’ll do. Or what I actually want. Please, I…” 

“Isak. Deep breaths. It’s all right.” Even shushed him, turning around to put his hands on Isak’s cheeks. 

“I thought you were going to leave.” 

“No, baby. I’m not going anywhere. And for the record, I understand why you’d feel like that during my episodes. I get it.” Even said, smiling genuinely - calming some of Isak’s nerves. 

“But, you’re not...mad?” 

“No. I just...want us to try something, okay? I want to try and still be there for you when you feel hopeless and alone, when my brain is doing dumb things and I can’t _ really _ be there.” 

Isak frowned, entirely lost. 

“Remember those sunflowers I gave you? During our first summer together?” Even asked, and Isak just had to trust that this was going somewhere in the vicinity of explanation. 

“Yeah. ‘Course.” 

It had been a bouquet, delivered to Isak’s work with balloons attached to the vase. It was obnoxious, embarrassing and the best part of Isak’s day after a long week of feeling like his manager was using him as a punching bag. The dude took overseeing a bunch of teenage baristas way too seriously. 

“I wasn’t there, but I made the day better for you, right? It was kind of like a promise of seeing the real me later.” 

Again, Isak was so fucking confused but he nodded in agreement. 

“It sounds dumb, but my therapist thought it might help us during my episodes if I say ‘sunflower’ to you. It’s kind of like an acknowledgement that I’ll come back. That all the stress that is like a packaged deal with my mental illness won’t always be there. I’ll always come back to you. _ Me _. This Even, right here. The guy who loves you and doesn’t mean to hurt you.” 

Even was pointing to his chest as Isak felt an overwhelming urge to cry. It made sense. Despite the whole thing feeling like it could be written into a cheesy romance novel, it made fucking sense. 

And they started doing it. Not very often at first. It was hard for Even to remember to do it all the time, and Isak still got angry and felt desperate. He still cried in the bathroom, alone with his thoughts. But then Even managed to say the word more, bring Isak back from the hurt of it. 

And they’d gotten through. They had made it out of all his episodes alive. 

**

An hour later Sammy was asleep again, and Winifred was settled by Isak’s feet. He had his laptop propped on his lap and was typing an email to Sana and an upcoming deadline when he heard a knock on their bedroom door.

“Uh, yeah?” 

Even appeared and Isak wasn’t surprised because he lived here, too. “You don’t have to knock, you knobhead. This is your room as much as mine.” 

“I didn’t know if you’d want to see me.” Even said, bouncing on his heels like he was about to sprint, but his tone was earnest. 

“Of course I do. I always do.” 

“Yeah?” 

“Yeah. Sunflower, and all that. I know. I remember. And I love you, too.” 

Even’s smile lit up the entire room and he came closer, eventually stopping right near Isak’s side of the bed. He leaned over and kissed Isak softly before pulling away. 

“I’m going to Mikael’s for the night. Maybe for two nights. I don’t want to bother Sammy again.” 

Isak nodded, knowing how much Even loved the tiny baby. “Okay.” 

“Okay.” 

He packed a bag and left, telling Isak that he wasn’t driving. Mikael was here to get him. He had his meds. He had some art to work on, and he’d text Isak later. 

And Isak smiled when he heard their door close. He knew he loved Even. He knew they were okay, even when it didn’t feel like they were okay. 

He just needed a small reminder sometimes. 

  
  
  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Comments/feedback welcome and appreciated :)


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